AND THEN...

Spring has sprung?

2008-04-23T13:28:00.006-04:00

Why on God's green and blue earth do we say spring has sprung? Do we say winter has linter? No our wool sweaters might be full of linter, but surely winter does not. There are a few things about spring sprunging that make me think about other spring phrases:
Spring Fever- I hate fevers they give you the chills and hot flashes. How does this even happen and is it contagious? Why can't we just say Happy Spring when the weather turns for the better, and people start acting like horny little rabbits. Also are rabbits horny? Think about how much bees reproduce and we don't call them horny bees. We don't worry about queen bees being complete whores.
Spring Fling- Speaking of whores it is like spring fling dances breed them. Why are we encouraging our young people to have one night stands? "Oh it's just a little spring fling", one might say. Well you know what a spring fling can lead to, is a little baby cupid springing from your twat in January or February. Spring flings spell TROUBLE like this (B-A-S-T-A-R-D). It could also be renamed Spring Fling get a Little Ding A Ling since people loooooooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeee rhyming the word spring.
April showers bring May flowers- and what do Mayflowers bring, ummmmmmmmmm Pilgrims. Yes that is funny but how about the Mayflower brought death to the Indians. I am sure all the Native Americans left probably go into hiding during April knowing that May flowers are coming.

Can't wait for Summer gives good Hummers!

PIE NOT 3.14!

2007-11-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

Making pumpkin pie is HARD! Not just hard like trying to learn to ride a two wheeler or trying to get milk to squirt from your eye hard, those two things are easy compared to making pumpkin pie. Lets just ask the question when did pumpkin become food? I mean really it is not like you can put it on a pizza or have it in a salad. If you did have pumpkin in your salad you could probably call it oompa loompa salad because they are green and orange too.

I thought this pie thing was going to be easy I knew the two main ingredients. Pumpkin and Pie Crust! (duh) Off to a good start I thought this would finally be the year when I was a Turkey Day Hero. Have you guys seen that trophy?? Off I went to get the ingredients the store has this pumpkin pie filling in a can, but why would I use that with this whole natural foods movement going on. NO I pledged that my pumpkin would be real. So I found a pumpkin farm and I found the mother of all pumpkins, it was about 34.3lbs. I was thinking that was probably plenty of pumpkin to go around.

Speaking of the word pumpkin how come sometimes it is spelled pumkin, do we only spell it like pumkin when we are referring to washed up strippers and ratty whores? I am very unsure of this protocol any clues? I will stick with pumpkin because my pie was determined to not be a cheap whore....remember I used real pumpkin not that cheap canned crap.

So back to making the pie. I pretty much had to chop the life out of my beautiful pumpkin and really only used about 3% of the pumpkin, the rest I decided to freeze for next year with a before and after picture. I wanted to remember what it once looked like and what it looked like after the pie process. I chopped and chopped until my little sausage fingers could not chop another chop, I also skinned the pumpkin because I figured it was like an orange the skin would be icky. I also wanted my pie to resemble a sunset the way an inside of a pumpkin does I didn't want it to look like an orange pie the way it would have if I left the skin on, YUK UGLY!

Finally the chopping was over and I put the pumpkin I chopped and shoved it into my pie crust. Thank Goodness it was pre-made because I have no idea where you can pick nature made pie crusts it sure is not at the pumpkin patch. In the oven it went for 1 hour at 375 degress that seemed to be a pretty standard setting. I also added a cup of sugar and a stick a butter because that is always what Paula Dean dose to make things better. Then the waiting began! I waited 10 minutes and got bored and went to go think of a Halloween costume for next year it's been on my mind lately. So after that I went back to the oven and looked in. OH MY GOD this was a horror show! My pumpkin left the little comfortable home of the pie crust and oozed all over the bottom of the stove, maybe this was a raging whore pumkin after all. I am not kidding this thing had a mind of its own I turned the oven off, unplugged it, and wheeled it out to the sidewalk (that took two hours more). Did you really think I was going to clean that evil pumkin that had gotten all over the place? HELL TO THE NO!

With my turkey day hero status deflated to zero I went to the Thanksgiving festivities pieless. Let this be a lesson buy all your stuff at the grocery store pre-made do not look at the ingredients, do not buy natural, do not hurt your hands, and most importantly you will not look like a zero. Much love to all the pumkins out there working for the president (George Washington) I meant no harm!

To blimp or blimpie?

2007-05-13T02:02:00.000-04:00

The other day I went to the other sandwich shop you know not the Jared place but the other one Blimpie. That place is pretty much the bomb because at my Blimpie there is this lady named Babs and you can so tell that she once worked at a cafeteria because she has the hairnet and the whole bit working for her. Mind you she isn’t as scary as some of the lunch ladies. She was more like the lunch lady who gave you extra mashed potatoes. Anyway Babs always gives me double whatever especially pickles YUMBO. I am wondering what is behind that name? Are they hiding secret ingredients to make you look like a “blimpie” or what? There was this one time though when the Goodyear blimp was in town and I conned my way into practically the pilot’s lap. Ok maybe I was in the last seat in the back but hey you know what I was there so HA! Anyway Robert the pilot not Bob not Rob not any short for Robert names worked for this guy, he was just Robert. Well he was a hard ass, for real I touched that tush and it was rock solid, I guess blimp drivers work out. Well Robert was telling me that I needed to sit down and keep very still for the take off. The take off is the hard part well and the landing and flying is hard too. Blimps are not the way to get around let me tell you they are freaking SLOW!!!!!!!!! My car and even my pimped out bike go way faster then these things. They should have pedals in the blimp so that the passengers can speed these things up. No wonder why in war we do not fly blimps. Remember when blimps were cool?? No neither do I, but at one time they were like the thing. They were like the PJ (private jet for all you who don’t have one) of today. That was of course until bang we filled one with hydrogen and got the Hindenburg big oops. Anyways go to Blimpie and get a sandwich because it is much better then the slow ride in the freaking Goodyear blimp. Sorry Robert your ride was def two thumbs down and two middle fingers way way up. Stick to tires Goodyear because your blimp might be famous but it is slow as hell BORING!!!!!!!!

Billabong anyone?

2007-05-12T17:24:00.001-04:00

If I don’t find a billabong soon I am going to just give up the quest. I have traveled all over the neighborhood and a little bit outside and there is not one billabong anywhere that I can see. If you don’t know what a billabong is then #1 you have never sang “Waltzing Matilda” and #2 You have never looked it up in the dictionary. The word is derived from two Indigenous Australian words: "billa" meaning "creek" and "bong" meaning "dead". If this is the definition how come I can’t find one? People are always finding dead things around here just last week we found a dinosaur fossil which is super dead, (we have not confirmed it is a dinosaur fossil, some say it is just a chicken bone. I say they don’t know what the F they are talking about). For God’s sake I do not have the navigating skills of Columbus, Magellan, or my uncle Larry who if the wind is blowing the right way can find the way to the nearest Hooters in a 60 mile radius, ANYWHERE! We love their wings. Someone told me that I need to go to Australia if I want to find a Billabong. Yea right, I am so not going there bad things could happen to me, I have seen Animal Planet. At this time please take a moment to pour one out to Steve Irwin! Another reason is because Australia is an Island. I have seen survivor and let me tell you I would touch down in Australia and they would vote me off. That my friends would be one wasted trip. So now that Australia is out I need to find a billabong much closer by. I was thinking of perhaps making one, because I could then put speakers next to it have “Waltzing Matilda” on full crank. We could waltz a little and also swim a little, if there are no sharks of course. Well friends I am continuing my quest for the billabong, which will take an average 5 minutes. I get bored easy. Well happy billabong hunting to all.

Eye gotta tell ya

2007-05-12T16:26:00.000-04:00

My new neighbor Fred is always saying “What are you looking at??!!” I am always like oh good ol’ Fred I am looking at you. Fred is not really that old I am going to say probably in his mid 100’s or early 50’s hard to tell. Well if Fred wasn’t always looking at me I would not need to look at him so much. So I have been trying to come back with something that Fred would maybe find a little amusing. This isn’t easy because I have to get on his good side in order for him to laugh. I literally mean his good side he is blind in one eye. Well not exactly blind, we will go with he is missing a whole eye. The thing about that is that he does not even have a glass eye!! Hello I would almost volunteer to lose an eye just so I could pop my glass eye out all the time and show people. That sort of thing earns you a really good nick name like Uno, One Eyer, One Eyed Willy even if Willy is not your name. I think that I might forego the patch and just have the socket and then instead of guys always coming around saying “nice ass” or “nice hooters” they would be able to come up with something like “nice socket” then I can say “Hey stick something in it and watch it light up!” EWWWWWWWWW sick why would you want something so inappropriate in your eye. Well some people probably would or “wood” and I am sure there is some crazy name for that but this has gone down such the wrong path at this point I am not sure where I began. AHHH! Yes with my ol’ one eyed Fred (see I told you about the nickname thing). So I think that I have decided to tell Fred the next time he says “What are you looking at?!” I am just going to say “Duh, Fred I am looking at what everyone else is, your crusty eye socket.” The least he could do would be to draw a picture of a fake eye on it. I hope this cheers him up because I think it is funny. Well this one is for Fred and the crater in his face I mean the place where his eye once was or never was maybe he wasn’t born with an eye. Well God Bless all the ol’ one eyed Freds out there you have a special place in my heart.

Oh by the way that is an exact replica of Fred he wouldn't let me take a picture!

The Grass Isn't always Greener On the Dark Side

2007-05-01T11:28:00.000-04:00

The question to little kids is always what color is the sky, what color is the grass? The response is always green and blue, why the hell do we think these little two year olds are so smart?! People also like to say the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The other side of what? Am I supposed to cross to the dark side to see that the grass isn't greener there? Of course it isn't greener hence it being called the dark side. If I were to go to the dark side I would def bring a flashlight because then it could change its name to "The Dark Side, Unless You Have a Flashlight" or for short T.D.S.U.Y.H.F and it wouldn't seem so scary anymore. Maybe the dark side doesn't even have grass maybe they only have closets that are really dark and black plush carpet and those black out shades. Maybe if you go there to get out you go in the closet and play 7 minutes on the dark side. Maybe the grass isn't always greener on the dark side but the carpet is always plusher (more plush) you take your pick.

Tried and True Investment

2006-04-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

Kids wake up I know we are all in the working world now and are worried about our futures. We don't want to get caught up in crazy pyramid schemes and what not, investing in rare stamp collections from Zimbabwe. Well I have decided to cash in the 401K and do something useful with the money I have been saving. I know it may seem silly to some but once you put the money down you will be hitting the big time literally.

Recently when I was on business I met up with my investment partner K. Byrnes and she got my wheels cranking like Whitney before Bobby. She really is a forward thinker and she mentioned the idea of a bearskin rug. Now she had other ideas in mind because frankly she has gone through a bearskin rug or two in her day and knows the importance of keeping up with the grizzly of the season if you know what I mean. On a side note she also keeps up with beaver season fpr obvious reasons.

Well I have made my money two fold now in the bearskin rug business and these things sell like pizza at Via Via on a Friday night in July! Ok so get out there and spend it is a bear market literally!

How are clouds made??

2006-02-11T20:43:00.000-05:00

Many of you are wondering how clouds are made. Many of you already think that you know and some of you who think you know may know but if you don't know you are about to know because some of you who think you know don't know the truth so I am about to let you know. You know what I'm saying? Ok. For all of you "scientists" out there who say it has something to do with water and ice crystals are full of it just look at some of the propaganda out there on the subject... "Clouds are made of billions of tiny drops
of water. The drops are very small. They are
called droplets because they are so tiny. The drops
of water rise from lakes, rivers, and oceans up
into the clouds. When the water rises, it
is because of evaporation. The water changes from
a liquid to a gas and rises up to form clouds."
That is a LIE complete crap, shit on the shitty shit shitter. Clouds are made from smoke stacks!!!!! I mean we have all seen this first hand driving by smoke stacks they are obviously billowing the clouds up into the sky. It is a simple answer really and if you don't want to take it as fact that's your problem. This one is for the smoke stacks, because if you think that you only get shade from trees you are wrongo dongo you get it from clouds too. Smoke stack keep making my days cloudalicious!
Sunny day clouds!

Rainy day clouds!

1 Banana+2 Wheels= My New Ride

2006-02-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

I have decided to give up my car and ride my bike to work. I just can’t handle the gas prices anymore they are cutting into the money I have been saving up to buy the Cadillac I have been dreaming of. So until I have enough money to buy the El Dorado, because you have to figure in the gas with that boat and save double, I will be riding my bike. I know that some of you may be thinking I didn’t even know you had a bike. Well you are right I didn’t have a bike until today when I fell in love with the sweetest creation on two wheels. Ms. Smoothy Smooth has come to town. Put your sun glasses on and put your wallets away she ain’t for sale, just a little piece of eye candy for all of you out there. Yes my friends meet my new baby…..

Those are some sweet rims huh? Look how big that banana is!!!! Get your mind out of the gutter friends I was talking about the seat. I mean the detail just look at the detail in that thing what was I thinking driving that Honda around all these years. Now I am going to be noticed when I pull up people are going to say things like "hey nice bike" or "hey nice rack" or "hey you wanna double ride?" and I am just gonna smile. Like everybody out there I would like to buy the world a coke but can't afford to so by giving the people a friendly wave and nod I am saying to those people this is your coke, this is your coke. So remember when you see me cruisin on my ride don't forget the shout out cuz you know I'll holla back.
This one is for Ms. Smoothy Smooth don't forget to share the road people please bikes have rights. Much Peace and Love

You can't always get what you want

2006-02-08T17:31:00.000-05:00

Well I went to the pet store today and it was at the least a bit overwhelming. I decided before I went though that I was going to get a puppy. Of course I have heard that you shouldn’t buy puppies at the pet store because they come from puppy mills or factories or whatever. Well you know something half of my clothes probably come from sweatshops, so at least I would be giving one of those factory bred puppies a chance at a life. What makes these puppies so bad anyway? Besides I didn’t want just any puppy I wanted one of those designer hybrid puppies. My first question to the sales girl at the pet shop was since I want one of those hybrid puppies does that mean they eat less? She looked at me like I was cross eyed or had a big mole or something. I thought it was valid question I mean hybrid cars guzzle less gas; I just assumed that hybrid puppies eat less food. SORRY!

Ok friends trying to figure out which hybrid puppy you want is a whole crazy thing in itself. Somewhere there is a debate raging on cloning, well doesn’t anyone have a problem with the cross breeding of a Cocker Spaniel and Shih-Tzu. A little weird but you end up with a dog that is a Cockashit. That ain’t right. Well after I heard all the crazy names like Puggle, Cockapoo, Labradoodle, and Shitadoodle (maybe I made that last one up). I finally decided that I most definitely needed a puppy that was a shit/something or a cock/something. It makes me giggle a little and I figure that it would keep me laughing when the thing was pissing all over the carpet. Don’t get me wrong these Puggle things are freaking cute. I then had my mind made up on what I wanted I was sure they had it but when I went up to Crystal the sales girl she was none to happy when I said I wanted a Bullshit. She stared and I said you know it is a Bulldog and a Shih-Tzu. She said there is no such thing and I find your question ridiculous. And then….I said well I find the name Crystal ridiculous and I also find it a bit ridiculous that you are working at a pet shop and not on a brass pole and I find it to be complete bullshit that you don’t have a Bullshit.

I left the store and went to Wal-Mart and got a goldfish the all American purebred pet. Sorry Puggle I am holding out for the Bullshit. Much Peace and cross breeding love.

Grill

2006-02-08T15:49:00.000-05:00

So today being all nice, sunny, and unseasonbly warm I thought you know what it is the perfect day to finally go out and buy the one thing I really need for a sunny day. A grill. No kids I ain't talking about a George Foreman or a Weber gas grill or even one of those Mr. Sparky's with the smiley face. I am talking about style, fashion, necessity, coolness, freshness, utter envy of the streets THE GRILL you know for your teeth. I speak the truth I mean true-fffff when I tell you that the only thing I have been hearin about is the grill. Nelly got a hit song singing about all the grillz he has and when he talked about the one that looked like now n laters it not only made me hungry for candy it made me hungry for some platinum and bling on my pearly whites. White teeth are out forget laser treatments and those mother fucking strips that are sticky and gross tasting. If you want people to notice your smile hit em up with some gold, you know what I'm saying? Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielson got them last year and I thought my heart was going to skip a beat when I saw that strange love episode. Not only was I thinking I need to go out and get one of them I thought god they are really in love and I can't think of a much better way to show it can you? Well you could get a grill that actually spelled out your lover's name, but if your a player on a budget you can only afford some bling that is gonna stand the test of time and pimps. Therefore I decided to go for the standard platinum grill with two pink encrusted diamonds just on my front teeth. I thought this ass was hot before ,but you people just wait till this girl with the grill hits the scene, can you say off the heezy fasheezy if you can't you will fo' sure. Much Peace Much Love holla at a player ifyou see me in the streets. This one is for Flav and Brig Strange Love 4 eva!!