To blimp or blimpie?

The other day I went to the other sandwich shop you know not the Jared place but the other one Blimpie. That place is pretty much the bomb because at my Blimpie there is this lady named Babs and you can so tell that she once worked at a cafeteria because she has the hairnet and the whole bit working for her. Mind you she isn’t as scary as some of the lunch ladies. She was more like the lunch lady who gave you extra mashed potatoes. Anyway Babs always gives me double whatever especially pickles YUMBO. I am wondering what is behind that name? Are they hiding secret ingredients to make you look like a “blimpie” or what? There was this one time though when the Goodyear blimp was in town and I conned my way into practically the pilot’s lap. Ok maybe I was in the last seat in the back but hey you know what I was there so HA! Anyway Robert the pilot not Bob not Rob not any short for Robert names worked for this guy, he was just Robert. Well he was a hard ass, for real I touched that tush and it was rock solid, I guess blimp drivers work out. Well Robert was telling me that I needed to sit down and keep very still for the take off. The take off is the hard part well and the landing and flying is hard too. Blimps are not the way to get around let me tell you they are freaking SLOW!!!!!!!!! My car and even my pimped out bike go way faster then these things. They should have pedals in the blimp so that the passengers can speed these things up. No wonder why in war we do not fly blimps. Remember when blimps were cool?? No neither do I, but at one time they were like the thing. They were like the PJ (private jet for all you who don’t have one) of today. That was of course until bang we filled one with hydrogen and got the Hindenburg big oops. Anyways go to Blimpie and get a sandwich because it is much better then the slow ride in the freaking Goodyear blimp. Sorry Robert your ride was def two thumbs down and two middle fingers way way up. Stick to tires Goodyear because your blimp might be famous but it is slow as hell BORING!!!!!!!!

Billabong anyone?

If I don’t find a billabong soon I am going to just give up the quest. I have traveled all over the neighborhood and a little bit outside and there is not one billabong anywhere that I can see. If you don’t know what a billabong is then #1 you have never sang “Waltzing Matilda” and #2 You have never looked it up in the dictionary. The word is derived from two Indigenous Australian words: "billa" meaning "creek" and "bong" meaning "dead". If this is the definition how come I can’t find one? People are always finding dead things around here just last week we found a dinosaur fossil which is super dead, (we have not confirmed it is a dinosaur fossil, some say it is just a chicken bone. I say they don’t know what the F they are talking about). For God’s sake I do not have the navigating skills of Columbus, Magellan, or my uncle Larry who if the wind is blowing the right way can find the way to the nearest Hooters in a 60 mile radius, ANYWHERE! We love their wings. Someone told me that I need to go to Australia if I want to find a Billabong. Yea right, I am so not going there bad things could happen to me, I have seen Animal Planet. At this time please take a moment to pour one out to Steve Irwin! Another reason is because Australia is an Island. I have seen survivor and let me tell you I would touch down in Australia and they would vote me off. That my friends would be one wasted trip. So now that Australia is out I need to find a billabong much closer by. I was thinking of perhaps making one, because I could then put speakers next to it have “Waltzing Matilda” on full crank. We could waltz a little and also swim a little, if there are no sharks of course. Well friends I am continuing my quest for the billabong, which will take an average 5 minutes. I get bored easy. Well happy billabong hunting to all.

Eye gotta tell ya

My new neighbor Fred is always saying “What are you looking at??!!” I am always like oh good ol’ Fred I am looking at you. Fred is not really that old I am going to say probably in his mid 100’s or early 50’s hard to tell. Well if Fred wasn’t always looking at me I would not need to look at him so much. So I have been trying to come back with something that Fred would maybe find a little amusing. This isn’t easy because I have to get on his good side in order for him to laugh. I literally mean his good side he is blind in one eye. Well not exactly blind, we will go with he is missing a whole eye. The thing about that is that he does not even have a glass eye!! Hello I would almost volunteer to lose an eye just so I could pop my glass eye out all the time and show people. That sort of thing earns you a really good nick name like Uno, One Eyer, One Eyed Willy even if Willy is not your name. I think that I might forego the patch and just have the socket and then instead of guys always coming around saying “nice ass” or “nice hooters” they would be able to come up with something like “nice socket” then I can say “Hey stick something in it and watch it light up!” EWWWWWWWWW sick why would you want something so inappropriate in your eye. Well some people probably would or “wood” and I am sure there is some crazy name for that but this has gone down such the wrong path at this point I am not sure where I began. AHHH! Yes with my ol’ one eyed Fred (see I told you about the nickname thing). So I think that I have decided to tell Fred the next time he says “What are you looking at?!” I am just going to say “Duh, Fred I am looking at what everyone else is, your crusty eye socket.” The least he could do would be to draw a picture of a fake eye on it. I hope this cheers him up because I think it is funny. Well this one is for Fred and the crater in his face I mean the place where his eye once was or never was maybe he wasn’t born with an eye. Well God Bless all the ol’ one eyed Freds out there you have a special place in my heart.

Oh by the way that is an exact replica of Fred he wouldn't let me take a picture!

The Grass Isn't always Greener On the Dark Side

The question to little kids is always what color is the sky, what color is the grass? The response is always green and blue, why the hell do we think these little two year olds are so smart?! People also like to say the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The other side of what? Am I supposed to cross to the dark side to see that the grass isn't greener there? Of course it isn't greener hence it being called the dark side. If I were to go to the dark side I would def bring a flashlight because then it could change its name to "The Dark Side, Unless You Have a Flashlight" or for short T.D.S.U.Y.H.F and it wouldn't seem so scary anymore. Maybe the dark side doesn't even have grass maybe they only have closets that are really dark and black plush carpet and those black out shades. Maybe if you go there to get out you go in the closet and play 7 minutes on the dark side. Maybe the grass isn't always greener on the dark side but the carpet is always plusher (more plush) you take your pick.